That day I realized That the core source Of the deep pain of separation Was that you had The exact same vocal pitch As my father That months of hearing you speak Behind me Next to me Around me Was unwittingly binding us Without my consent My heart and lizard brain conspired To repair that which It is far too late to repair And failing repair To repeat that which Can be endlessly repeated This little reptilian response Crying out “Dad! You love me right? You’ll protect me, right? You’ll always be here, right?” Only for the answer to remain the same As ever Hesitant Complex Unclear Impossible My wound directed me here So that the same dance would be performed So that the same answer would be received As mismatched as we are It knew you’d perform this task Perfectly To reaffirm my need to be abandoned To reaffirm my need to believe I am not worthy To reaffirm my need to prove my worth To him and him and him and him and you Please don’t feel bad I know now It is the wound It is this I have learned from you You have given me a beautiful gift A missing piece of my soul puzzle I am sorry to have involved you in this mess It is truly my own to clean up Nonetheless Thank you for your compassion Thank you for your understanding Thank you for your patience Thank you for letting me love you I am trying desperately To heal